A glitch in the matrix

There seems to be something wrong with the world when someone can need a power meter so badly that they have no money to buy it, yet finance it on a 12 month payment plan with the latest CTS offering. Foreclosures are at an all time high, unemployment is soaring, but you can still have that PowerTap you "need" if you don't have the money for it...

I thought of a lot of interesting things to mention on this, but none were better than what BikeSnobNYC already stated way more eloquantly than the Lemming ever could,

"While a power meter is certainly an important tool for a professional cyclist, the bulk of them are of course sold to amateurs who misinterpret their amateur status and poor results as signs that they need to spend a huge amount of money on a power meter when in fact their amateur status and poor results are actually the very reasons they don't need a power meter. If you're an amateur, buying a power meter to train is like hiring an accountant to tell you how broke you are or like buying an iPhone just to check your Cannondale stock. Yet amateurs not only buy power meters, but they think $1,000 for a power meter is actually cheap."

Of course, I only found that gem after an anonymous commenter let me know I was ripping of the snob by re-posting the "You Suck" power meter. Unfortunately I hadn't seen the bikesnobnyc's posts in awhile since they are set to do previews in the feed and I just can't risk "the man" seeing me browsing websites all day no matter how great they might be. Our work has the motto, "The beatings will continue until morale improves", and I just can't take another beating. Of course, I realize I borrowed that funny saying from someone else more clever than me as well, no need to let me know...

The lemming mentioned that he's going to spend the rest of the day going around to blogs and informing people that they are ripping off someone else if they re-post something, he said he's going to start with the "Performance" video...

Crushed...

I've missed you all, I really have... Cross dressing season is fully upon us and I could really care less, instead I've been swilling Bud Lights and working feverishly on my plan for greener gyms powered solely by the Average Joe. That is at least until I saw this months issue of Bicycling and realized many people had already beat me to this plan. Yes, it's true, the lemming is not pioneering in any way and there are a lot of people much smarter than me that have done it already, not that my plan ever made it past the swilling Bud Light stage.


Doesn't that look like fun? He might need to adjust his handlebar height.



So with my plan of taking over the world via unsuspecting gym rats now in the shitter, I turned back to my only solace, this blog, how sad is that? It's not really sad, but I'm trying to play on your sympathies for being gone so long.

Being a big player on the scene, today I was given the unsolicited opportunity to look at the Lamborghini bicycles website. With a name like Lamborghini you know it's going to kick ass! Here are some highlights...


Not bad from a distance right? But there are hints of a butter face...


No Chris King? This is a Lambo right?


In the words of Butthead, "uhhh, wait a minute..."


Aaaagh! A clear plastic chainguard, are those rivets in the chainrings? This is worse than accidentally seeing my overweight cousin naked!

Clearly with a name like Lamborghini these pictures had to be a mistake. I mean I remember the Countach, sure it leaked gas and was pretty square, but it was pure sex. Surely the Lamborghini name wouldn't be defiled by a bike whose normal retail is $349 but if you buy now you get a free helmet, $100 off, and free shipping. That's practically giving away this surely Chinese made machine which bears the same name as the Italian car manufacturer.

Needing to know more I went straight to the website!

With features like a lightweight aluminum frame, an advanced Shimano drive train, and efficient 700cc wheels, the Lamborghini Rapido is certain to remain a favorite weapon for novice cyclists looking to speed past the competition. The featured 21-speed Shimano drive train was designed with shifting efficiency and durability in mind. For added ease of control, the bicycle's twist grip shifters are mounted just to the inside of the traditional brake levers. Due to the close proximity of the brake levers and shifters, riders have quick access to braking and shifting without moving their hands too far—an ideal feature for added safety and convenience. To help tackle those steep hills, the Rapido comes complete with a triple front crank set, a feature that gives the rider seven incredibly low gears. For increased rider comfort, the bicycle comes complete with a soft cork wrapped handlebar, a comfy custom designed Lamborghini saddle, and an adjustable quill stem—a feature that allows you to lower and raise the stem height according to the rider's needs.

"Advanced Shimano drivetrain" - The very advanced Shimano Tourney drivetrain to be exact, only a dozen levels or so below 105

"Efficient 700c wheels" - obviously part of the 29er hype

"Favorite weapon for novice cyclists looking to speed past the competition" - especially against people who don't even know they are racing!

"Due to the close proximity of the brake levers and shifters, riders have quick access to braking and shifting without moving their hands too far" - oh good, I've been missing that on my current road bike, I knew Lambo engineering would pull through!

"Rapido comes complete with a triple front crank set, a feature that gives the rider seven incredibly low gears" - uhhh, wait a minute... That's like saying the "Countach comes with a 4-cylinder engine, a feature that gives the great gas mileage"

"adjustable quill stem—a feature that allows you to lower and raise the stem height according to the rider's needs" - oh good, luckily I'm an average sized rider and the stem is great right where it's at, but this will help my resale value...

You might get a good laugh out of that, but the last laugh will be on you as the reviews are coming in stellar...

Ridiculously Good Deal... 01/20/2009 - by avid but frugal cyclist from Washington, D.C.
I bike 120 miles a week on a Raleigh hybrid. I figured why not give a full road bike a try. $200 bucks isn't a bad price to enter. I was about to buy a Trek or a Giant Road Bike for $600 - I compared the drive trains and features and went with the Lambo. All you need to do to get the Lambo up to better performance is change out the crankset and the front derailleur...then voila...you have a sweet entry level road bike. I keep up with the expensive bikes on the trail...no problem. I've owned the Lambo for 4 weeks after I put it together by myself...no problem. I did rip off the cheesy plastic bits and I painted the fork, headset and seatpost...now it looks expensive..

According to this avid but frugal poster, all you need to get the Lambo up to better performance is a crankset and front derailleur. Once those upgrades are made it definitely becomes a favorite weapon to keep up with expensive bikes on the trail. Of course after the cheesy plastic bits are gone and the fork, headset, and seatpost are painted it looks like an expensive bike, so really how would one know if he's keeping up with expensive bikes on the trail or if they are simply sheep in bull's clothing?

Wow, what's next? Is Trek going to go in on some ugly-assed car?



Lastly, several readers have sent me the picture below and I figure it's only fitting while talking about green health clubs and Lamborghini bicycles. My side coaching organization, LTS Systems, has been working on a power meter prototype, stolen from someone much more clever than me out on the internet. Rather than dropping $1000+ for a power meter to simply find out how average you are, PayPal me $20 and tape this to your bike computer. Apparently someone has been watching mine as I ride...

Going against the flow

The lemming has been wanting me to write this one for awhile and I've been resisting since everyone is so hyped about it, I don't want to be the only Debbie-downer in the bunch.



Ok here goes... The lemming thinks the Race Across the Sky movie previewed above is WAY over-hyped. Sure, it seems like a cool race, but come on, a movie about it? In the end it's a race, like all other races. Obviously cyclists are going to flock to the movie because what else do we have, Breaking Away and American Flyers?

As we were watching the trailer I made sure to capture screenshots where the lemming seemed most agitated.

In an epic bike race, anything can happen! Dah dah dah!

Like getting a flat!

And then having to change it yourself!

You won't believe what happens next! Really? I mean seriously, is it that dramatic? I've got a little spoiler for you, Lance beats the 40-something retired family man and 6-time champion... I know, I know, you can still pay $12.50 to go see more.

EVENT DETAILS
....
But the Leadville Trail 100 "Race Across the Sky" Mountain Bike Race is not just a race of man against man: it’s man vs. man, man vs. self, man vs. elements, man vs. time. A clock set for 12 grueling hour’s slugs through 100 miles, over 14,000 vertical feet of climbing, some two miles above sea level, through extreme climate changes ranging from heat to hail, from rain to snow. To the racers, the risks of injury, fatigue and mechanical failure pale next to the chance that they will fall behind the 12 hour cut off mark and be eliminated.

This sounds pretty extreme, it's not only you against others, it's you against yourself, against the elements, against time! Not only that but you'll start where it's balmy in the land of coconuts and ride through blizzards to finish the race, you may have to eat other competitors who have succumbed to the perils of the race to sustain your energy levels, that is if you don't get mowed down by the clock. Injury, fatigue, and mechanical failure be damned!

This one night event will feature a panel discussion with Lance Armstrong, Chris Carmichael (owner of Carmichael Training Systems and Lance Armstrong’s coach), Dave Wiens (6x Leadville 100 winner), Ken Chlouber (Leadville Trail 100 Founder), Travis Brown (Olympian and professional mountain biker), and others before and after the debut of the documentary “Race Across the Sky”.

Wow, the lemming says this will totally do it for him. Not only does he get to see a cool movie about a race, but he gets to hear a secret panel talk about how magical the race is, which sounds about as fun as listening to coaches talk to local clinics about how training with power can really bring out your "A" game.

Which leads me to this, the lemming has made a prediction already for 2010. That prediction was that gran fondo will become the new buzzword amongst charity rides. His new prediction is that everyone who ever has hoped to be extreme will sign up the Leadville 100. Many people who have never even tried to race their local 6 mile mountain bike race will sign up for the Race Across the Sky.

I'll still go watch the movie, what else do we have... Maybe I'll look for a theme ride to it...

All this time I thought Lance trained his ass off

This morning the lemming opened his email to this tasty morsel. Rodale, the same company which bring us Bicycling, sent me the secrets to Lance's success.

Dear Online Reader,

Have you ever dreamed of riding in the Tour de France? Of zipping along flats and climbing alpine roads with Lance Armstrong at your side?

You know I have Rodale. Zipping along flats and climbing alpine roads with Lance Armstrong would be almost nearly as good as spending Valentine's Day with Chris Carmichael, but wait...

Well now, you can put all of Lance's knowledge, skill, experience, and talent at your fingertips as he teams up with his coach, Chris Carmichael, the U.S. Olympic Committee 1999 Coach of the Year, to offer the ultimate insider's guide to becoming a better rider, based on the same ultra-effective training regimen that Chris and Lance have been fine-tuning since the early 1990s.

...

This is the program that led to Lance's astounding victory in the 1999 Tour de France—one of the most dramatic comebacks in sports history! And whether you dream of competing in the Tour de France or simply completing your own challenge-ride century, The Lance Armstrong Performance Program is the sure-fire way to...

While I am happy that 7 weeks of Lance-specific training is going to to allow me to win 7 Tours, retire, come back and podium in the Tour again after a bunch of time off dating an Olsen twin and a bunch of other celebrity hotties, as well as go on to crush a retired icon in the Leadville 100, the lemming thinks less of Lance now. Apparently a 7-week program is all Lance used to get ready for his 1999 Tour victory and I just thought he was a much harder worker than that. It makes getting second in his first Leadville 100 seem so less heroic now, he had already done the 7-week training program which won him the 1999 Tour.

Back to all about me. Luckily, for my benefit again, whether I want to compete in the Tour de France or complete a century, this program is going to do it for me. I knew I had to read more, so I followed the email link to here.

Crafted by Lance's coach Chris Carmichael, and refined by Lance and Chris during their years of work together, The Lance Armstrong Performance Program will give you everything you need to achieve your personal best in only 7 weeks, including:

• How to find the right bike for your body
• When to brake (only as a last resort!)
• The tricks to cornering, climbing, and descending like a pro
• Expert techniques to develop your explosive power to sprint
• The best ways to incorporate cross-training into your schedule
• Tips for building necessary mental toughness
• … and much more!

Surely finding the right bike for my body will include lots of wind tunnel testing, the lemming remembers seeing Lance in the wind tunnel often. It's comforting knowing Chris helped Lance pick out the right bike, I just hope it doesn't take more than a day or two because you know, we've only got 7 weeks here. If cross-training means dating Olsen twins then I really do need to figure out how to work that in to my schedule, although that didn't happen in the 7-week 1999 training plan.

The lemming didn't give Chris Carmichael enough credit either, teaching Lance how to brake (as a last resort), how to corner, how to climb, and how to descend like a pro in only 7 weeks must have been mind-boggling. I can just see the conversation now.

Chris: "No no Lance, you need to descend like a pro. That means only braking as a last resort on this hill. See only pull this lever as a last resort."

Lance: "I know Chris, but I just get so scared. I'm used to descending like a Cat 5, this new Pro stuff is foreign to me, I did start out in triathlons you know."

Chris: "Lance, I told you never to mention you were a triathlete again."

Lance: "Ok ok, but you know triathlon bikes have those goofy bullhorns and the brakes are there and..."

Chris: "Damn it Lance (slapping him), just listen to me, we've only got 7 weeks here. I know that triathlon bikes have those goofy bullhorns, that's not the point. Only brake as a last resort, you need to descend like a pro."

Forget anything the lemming has said about time trialing

Forget anything the lemming has said about time trialing and aero bars. It actually turns out the lemming is a BIG fan of time trialing and aero bars. Photos lovingly pillaged from Alison M. Starnes' site.



Off topic... If you're recovered from the photos above already the lemming has a question about summaries in blog feeds and what people think about them. The lemming personally hates blog summaries where only a teaser is shown in the feed reader. More often than not he'll see the teaser and just mark as read in the feed reader rather than going to the actual site to read the entry. When a bunch of blogs are in the reader and the lemming wants to be all stealthy about blog reading at work it's not conducive to open a whole new site. I'd be curious as to what others think, post a comment and let me know.

You will never see one of these for sale again!!!

The lemming had an article in his head today, a children's story about Skunky, the tall-tailed butt-in-the-air descender. As he sat down to write the story, he decided to check his email first.

From: charlie ******* <*******************@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Sep 23, 2009 at 6:57 PM
Subject: hello master
To: "bikelemming@gmail.com"


Honorable Lemming

Ah... you have taught me well master...but now, the student becomes the teacher...


Charlie @ screaming monkey bike

Preach on brother Charlie! It's true, the lemming has been gapped and dropped HARD by screaming monkey bike. The lemming is cool with that, screaming monkey bike is killing it harder than John in his 12 week, $3649, Men's Journal first triathlon plan. Ironically (in a 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife sort of way) (Rock) Superstar by Cypress Hill was playing on my Pandora radio station at the moment I received the email and all I could think about was big-assed jack-in-the-boxes with FIRE! all around them.



Anyway, as things go one thing lead to another and I spent some time on Top Cycling Sites before heading over to check out VeloLoser.



Great minds think alike and I was amused to see VeloLoser thought of Slim Goodbody with this skinsuit as well. Surely I thought this beautiful skinsuit must have been designed by a company as pioneering as Primal Wear before they started making saddle concepts, however I was wrong.

You will never see one of these for sale again!!! I only know of a couple in existence. If you are an avid cyclist or cycling fan you know what this is. This is the infamous Mario Cipollini muscle skinsuit made by Cannondale. As you can see it is in great conditoin 8 out of 10. It only has 2 very small repairs one on the left shoulder half inch long which you can't even see and one on the zipper and in no way effects the zipper function.

I purchased it new from a bike shop owner last year and I have since leaned toward bodybuilding so I don't fit it anymore. It is an XL but I am 5'7 185 lbs. with a 32 in. waist and it fits me snugly everywhere. If you're curious it will fit you just give me your measurements and I'll help. I know you'll love this very unique piece of cycling memorabilia.

Let me just be the first to say thank heavens we will never see one of these for sale again! I have the sneaking suspicion taking up bodybuilding isn't the reason this gem is for sale.



But closer inspection reveals it's not the skinsuit Mario Cipollini is wearing in the picture describing the auction. This skinsuit is short-sleeved and short-legged. Which begs the question, if the person who "won" the auction is not himself a bodybuilder or a two-armed, two-legged amputee and those Primal Wear-ish muscles just stop on the lower quad and mid bicep, will the wearer look something like this?

Deep thoughts by the Lemming

The other day I saw two rams butting heads (on TV), an obvious fight for supremacy and mating rights. I thought about how different the bike trail would be if mating rights were established by overtaking someone. There would be even less riding for fun and even more "training" because of the competition I suspect. Unfortunately, it's been established that taking ibuprofen does not "block the pain of competition", although subjectively the pain of competition may be having to watch others race in a speedo. The lemming can see taking anything available to try and relieve that pain.

But even with ibuprofen gone we still have power meters, and with them we can "eliminate wasted efforts" when we go out on a ride and that makes the lemming happy.