Thursday, December 31, 2009

Leadville 100 to build new gymnasium/shrine to Lance Armstrong, a satire story by the Bike Lemming

If you are one of the 2-3 people who follow the blog of the Lemming, you know that he's been hibernating for the winter.  He hasn't died, it's just that when his bike gets put away for the winter he really has no interest in writing about cycling.  Nestled in his cozy little cave, the lemming is putting bon bons in to his furry little mouth while washing it down with cold cans of Bud, refusing to write a blog while in the deep state of hibernation.  Or so I thought...  The lemming seems rather cynical at times and I knew if anything was produced it would be satire, I was right...

Leadville, CO
In a surprise announcement today that never really happened, the Leadville 100 commission laid out plans for a new megaplex gymnasium in the litttle mining town which hosts the Leadville 100 mountain bike race.  Here at the lemming we were lucky enough to get a fictitious interview with race director Ken Chlouber about the new gymnasium.

Ken didn't say, "In the past the Leadville 100 was a small charming race.  It was about comradriere, it was about cheering on everyone, it was about bringing economic stimulus to a little broke mining town.  Well, it still is about bringing economic stimulus to a little broke mining town!  You know, in the past we had a website that looked like someone put it together for a high school computer class project, but now we've got a killer website out of San Francisco with lots of bling.  In the past people had to round up some friends and send in paper applications so they could get in as a group, now we've got the way cooler online applications and you can do the race by yourself!  We've been afforded a great opportunity to make lots of money thanks to Lance Armstrong and the Race Across the Sky movie." 

"Getting in to Leadville has always been a fair and unbiased lottery, where if you knew someone, did some volunteering, or were nice to me [Ken] you were sure to get in.  Last year we extended that level of unbiasness by giving away entries if you paid for an expensive CTS training camp.  This year we're going to change that up, we're expecting tens of thousands of entries due to the Race Across the Sky movie, so we're going to charge a $15 non-refundable fee just to try and get in to the fair and unbiased lottery for the race.  If we only accept 1,000 or so riders and 10,000 sign up, well, you do the math.  This fee will get us well on the way to building our new gymnasium!"

Plans for the not-proposed Leadville gymnasium are rumored to include a 10,000 sq. ft. shrine to the grand poobah of cycling Lance Armstrong and will house a "Hall of Lance" where, for a small donation to the LiveStrong foundation, cyclists can ride a modified indoor trainer to videos of Lance Armstrong saying "You're stronger than you think you are, and you can do more than you think you can" while a state of the art generator pumps power back in to the grid, crediting the electrical bill of the Leadville 100 foundation.  Kiosks will also be set up around the new gymnasium where athletes can enter a credit card and some basic information and receive a print-out of a full years Leadville Trail 100 training plan courtesy of Carmichael Training Systems.

When pressed about the race itself and presented with rumors from the internet that the course looked like a bunch of boring fire roads for 100 miles rather than an exciting race of twisting singletrack Ken did not canter, "The Leadville 100 is an extreme race.  You've got to be extreme to do it.  Didn't you hear in the movie where the pros such as Travis Brown said it was the hardest thing they've ever done?  Regardless, for those needing more we're adding the 24 Hours of Leadville this year.  As our website says, win this one and people everywhere will know your name!  And then once you win it, we're going to pit Lance Armstrong against you to try and defend your title, I'm just giddy with the possibilities!"

Mum was the word on if you could still buy your way in to the race by going to an expensive CTS training camp, however Carmichael Training Systems is now the "Official Training Authority of the Leadville Trail 100".  As to what that means the lemming is not entirely sure as Chris Carmichael was not available for interview, hopefully it is that acceptance in to the lottery and entry in to the race is only afforded after signing up for a Carmichael Training Systems training/coaching plan.

Stay tuned to the Lemming for more exciting news out of the little mining town of Leadville.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The lemming isn't dead, he's just hibernating...

Don't worry, the lemming isn't dead, he's just hibernating for the winter.  From time to time you still may seem him post if a wayward Bicycling article wakes him up from his sleep, but for the most part he's happily resting and hoping to entertain you in the spring.