Friday, May 28, 2010

Thanks for your support, seriously

I have to take a minute and say thank you to everyone for their support... Even after an extended hibernation it's great to see people back... To be honest, I sat there this winter (while eating bon bons) wondering if I wanted to continue writing on this blog. It's the home of my more cynical thoughts, and while I have them often, sometimes I'm too lame or lazy to actually write them down. Starting a fun blog, and then not working on it, is almost like signing up for the MS150 and then not riding until the day before when you get slicks for your mountain bike. Once you get back in to it you realize how fun it was, but at that point you also have the epiphany that you should have been doing it more rather than sitting on your lazy ass.  This is because everyone is blowing past you as you struggle and look wantonly for the next Accelerade stop.

Thanks to Stevil for the quick note when I hadn't written in awhile to see if I ended in prison, fortunately no one wanted to swap race numbers with me only to have me get last place for them. To bikesnobnyc for always replying so quick to email, he responds to everyone despite his immense popularity, that's amazing. And to Steve A for being the first to quickly comment after my hibernation, or perhaps my bike's hibernation, as well as BadBeard to show he's still there as well on the next post. To Rantwick for his always amusing input, and I forgive him even if he is a closet dumper. Lastly to Cyclin' Missy for sending me an email with all the correct information to win my "contest", I'm glad you're a lemming groupee.

Anyway, bla bla bla, I guess the jist of it is I appreciate all of you out there who read the Lemming. I'll never be a regular poster because sometimes it's just a little too dangerous to rile up the lemming, but if you can handle the sporadic postings and my overall Fred-ness in the grand scheme of the blog world it will still be here. That's all for now, back to my soul-robbing, life-sucking job before my keepers beat me. Almost time to ride home if I can avoid the closet dumpers when I go to change.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Commuting: Beware the closet dumper

If you've checked back in to the lemming at all this winter you've probably thought to yourself, "wow, this blog has really gone down the shitter". Well... If you are lucky enough to be like the lemming, and most days I wouldn't say that since this fur is awful hot in the summer, but if you are lucky enough to be like the lemming, then the soul-robbing, life-sucking job that you work at actually has nice showers where you can get ready for work after riding your bike in. This is nice because the "Wet Ones" baby wipes bath that Bicycling always talks about does not work, and makes you look and smell like a freak. The showers are nice because it's only the lemming and about 2-3 other cyclists which ever use the locker room. However, this lack of use presents other scary problems, the problem of the closet dumper.

The closet dumper is a sub-species of homo sapien who is characterized by their shyness to use the restroom and the subsequent thought that someone might know they are going to the restroom to do the dirty deed. The closet dumper frequents bathrooms such as the locker room toilet since it's lack of use almost surely means they will not have to make eye contact or talk with anyone after coming out of their stinky stall.

The closet dumper shies away from heavily-trafficed restrooms much like a water buffalo shies away from crocodile infested watering holes, although the water buffalo does it because they're scared a lion will get them only to fight with a crocodile before the whole herd of water buffaloes comes back to save them. The problem is the closet dumper is a solitairy animal and no other closet dumpers will come to save them, their main social interaction is posing as a 15 year old in internet chat rooms.

What should you do if you encounter a closet dumper? Most times you will not have to do anything. Closet dumpers are deathly afraid of human interaction in the restroom and will avoid it all costs. Like most prey animals they have eyes in the sides of their head, this helps them to quickly scan the restroom for other users so they may quickly close the door before entering when they encounter a non-empty restroom. Every once in awhile a closet dumper will not exercise proper caution and walk right in to a restroom where you are changing. In this scenario the closet dumper will not make eye contact or say hi, they will simply wash their hands as if that's the reason they came in and then quietly leave, checking back in 20 minutes to see if the coast is clear.

Every now and then you might enter the locker room at the end of the day when you are getting ready to change for your ride home and encounter a closet dumper. In this case do not worry, you will not have to do anything. If you take less than half an hour to change, the closet dumper will simply sit quietly in the stall, hoping you are not alerted to his presence. If you are mean-spirited and take more than a half an hour to get changed just to make the closet dumper sweat, at some point the closet dumper will emerge from his stall like Puxatawney Phil, wash his hands, and quickly leave the restroom without eye contact or any social interaction.

Commuting with your bike to work is fun, it's good for you, saves money, and it's good for the Earth. Don't shy away from commuting because of your fear of the closet dumper. In most cases he is more afraid of you than you are of him. Despite their population in heavily-populated areas there hasn't been a single documented instance of a closet dumper attack on normal humans.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Waking from my furry little hibernation

It's been a long time since I wrote my last blog... At first it was due to hibernation, fattening my furry little self up and sleeping away the winter. Then it may have just been a lack of creativity. Not much gets me riled up these days, and without a sense of riledness I don't find interesting topics to write about. Maybe it's the run out of my Bicycling subscription, and the subsequent lack of renewing it on my part. I was hoping to get a complementary "lemming" subscription to Bicycling, but I never asked for one and no one ever offered, not even the Fit Chick. Regardless, my main catalyst for all things that ruffles my fur about cycling is gone and that leaves me to living a zen-like existence, still believing that Greg LeMond is a hero vs. a has-been crack pot.

So what gets the lemming fired up enough today that a new blog appears? That answer can only be SCANDAL. You might think I'm referencing the allegations made by Landis that he did now indeed dope, although he said before he was an innocent framed man. Or that he's tried to implicate the grand poobah Lance Armstrong, as well as some other big names. Well, if you thought that you would be wrong.

You see, the lemming thinks on a much smaller scale. The professional cycling world is great, but we're not professionals, and because of that we have to be concerned about the issues facing the peasants that we are in the grand scope of cycling surfdom. What has the lemming riled up today is the felony charges brought up against two women in the Leadville 100 because the registered woman became injured and let the other ride. I sent this over to the bikesnobnyc and was happy to see he picked it up as his reader base is probably a million times bigger than mine, especially after my extended hibernation.

It's no secret that the lemming is not a huge fan of the Leadville 100 race. From a lottery that really isn't a lottery, to charging a fee just to get in to the biased lottery, to giving coveted race slots away to CTS in return that athletes can pay them big money to bypass the lottery and get in to the race, to the organizer pulling strings to get certain people in even though they didn't make the biased lottery, to the "Race Across the Sky" movie that rocketed the little mining town to stardom and pumped a whole bunch of fan boys in to the running of the biased lottery, there is just a lot to shake your head about. But even looking past those things, seriously, felony charges because someone used another person's race number with their permission? That's going too far and for lack of better words, seems a little big for the britches.

Sure, that is against the rules, I know. The race is non-refundable, non-transferable, non-technical and about any other type of non you can think of. I don't want to speak like I know the full details, I've only regurgitated what other sites have mentioned, but it looks like one woman has been charged with felony conspiracy to commit criminal impersonation, while the other was charged with felony criminal impersonation. Sad, sad, sad...

What the women did was stupid, and I can say sandbaggers and cheaters aren't high on my list either, but I loathe the day that I want to see felony charges brought up against cheaters in a weekend warrior race, that opens the door up to all sorts weird precedents.

Of course, the DA bringing up all the charges is the same one who prosecuted Kobe Bryant. One of the funniest quotes I saw from this site said, "“I haven’t seen this criminal-impersonation law used much, but Hurlbert’s expansive application of the statute opens up some interesting possibilities. Given Hurlbert’s lackluster campaign for state Senate District 16 and his dismal fundraising, perhaps a special prosecutor should be appointed to investigate whether to charge Hurlbert with felony criminal-impersonation of a Republican Senate candidate.”"

To give Ken Chlouber a little credit, it does look like he never wanted felony charges such as that brought up on the women. It looks like he just put in a request for prosecution on theft of services for the $250 in race fees, $225 in awards, plus racer services, including aid stations, security, and a pre-race banquet. While understandable, it would seem that asking for the race fees and racer services is debateable seeing as how they were paid for, but I guess not by the woman who did the race with the paid for number, which is against the rules.

Anyway, enough of my babbling. Read some of the stories for yourself and decide if this is the type of thing you want to support in the future. Thanks to bikesnobnyc for giving this some national attention!