Monday, May 24, 2010

Commuting: Beware the closet dumper

If you've checked back in to the lemming at all this winter you've probably thought to yourself, "wow, this blog has really gone down the shitter". Well... If you are lucky enough to be like the lemming, and most days I wouldn't say that since this fur is awful hot in the summer, but if you are lucky enough to be like the lemming, then the soul-robbing, life-sucking job that you work at actually has nice showers where you can get ready for work after riding your bike in. This is nice because the "Wet Ones" baby wipes bath that Bicycling always talks about does not work, and makes you look and smell like a freak. The showers are nice because it's only the lemming and about 2-3 other cyclists which ever use the locker room. However, this lack of use presents other scary problems, the problem of the closet dumper.

The closet dumper is a sub-species of homo sapien who is characterized by their shyness to use the restroom and the subsequent thought that someone might know they are going to the restroom to do the dirty deed. The closet dumper frequents bathrooms such as the locker room toilet since it's lack of use almost surely means they will not have to make eye contact or talk with anyone after coming out of their stinky stall.

The closet dumper shies away from heavily-trafficed restrooms much like a water buffalo shies away from crocodile infested watering holes, although the water buffalo does it because they're scared a lion will get them only to fight with a crocodile before the whole herd of water buffaloes comes back to save them. The problem is the closet dumper is a solitairy animal and no other closet dumpers will come to save them, their main social interaction is posing as a 15 year old in internet chat rooms.

What should you do if you encounter a closet dumper? Most times you will not have to do anything. Closet dumpers are deathly afraid of human interaction in the restroom and will avoid it all costs. Like most prey animals they have eyes in the sides of their head, this helps them to quickly scan the restroom for other users so they may quickly close the door before entering when they encounter a non-empty restroom. Every once in awhile a closet dumper will not exercise proper caution and walk right in to a restroom where you are changing. In this scenario the closet dumper will not make eye contact or say hi, they will simply wash their hands as if that's the reason they came in and then quietly leave, checking back in 20 minutes to see if the coast is clear.

Every now and then you might enter the locker room at the end of the day when you are getting ready to change for your ride home and encounter a closet dumper. In this case do not worry, you will not have to do anything. If you take less than half an hour to change, the closet dumper will simply sit quietly in the stall, hoping you are not alerted to his presence. If you are mean-spirited and take more than a half an hour to get changed just to make the closet dumper sweat, at some point the closet dumper will emerge from his stall like Puxatawney Phil, wash his hands, and quickly leave the restroom without eye contact or any social interaction.

Commuting with your bike to work is fun, it's good for you, saves money, and it's good for the Earth. Don't shy away from commuting because of your fear of the closet dumper. In most cases he is more afraid of you than you are of him. Despite their population in heavily-populated areas there hasn't been a single documented instance of a closet dumper attack on normal humans.

7 comments:

BadBeard said...

Welcome back Lemming!

Rantwick said...

Hello everyone. This is my first meeting. My name is Rantwick, and I... am a closet dumper. It is my problem and I am willing to own it.

Thanks for the link to that video... that was crazy.

Steve A said...

Luckily, MY shower is in a restroom that is "single occupancy" with a lock. Those closet dumpers do no more than try the door, and then slink away to other places while me and my bike get ready for work in peace. I just have to remember to throw the bolt so those guys don't try to get in. Shades of "THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD!"

Bike Lemming said...

Rantwick, noooooo.....

You guys are great, it's incredible to see you all back after my lengthy hibernation. Keep ridin'!

Apertome said...

Please remember to respect the closet dumper, despite his odd ways. Remember, when he is on the toilet, he does not exist.

Cyclin' Missy said...

Actually, I haven't tried the DVD's yet. I really got them just in time for the weather to turn nice. But I am very enthusiastic to use them come fall - or maybe on a rainy day this summer. I have always wanted to try riding to a cycling video! Thanks again!

SD_pedalpower said...

crazy, funny story.