Monday, October 19, 2009

Crushed...


I've missed you all, I really have... Cross dressing season is fully upon us and I could really care less, instead I've been swilling Bud Lights and working feverishly on my plan for greener gyms powered solely by the Average Joe. That is at least until I saw this months issue of Bicycling and realized many people had already beat me to this plan. Yes, it's true, the lemming is not pioneering in any way and there are a lot of people much smarter than me that have done it already, not that my plan ever made it past the swilling Bud Light stage.


Doesn't that look like fun? He might need to adjust his handlebar height.



So with my plan of taking over the world via unsuspecting gym rats now in the shitter, I turned back to my only solace, this blog, how sad is that? It's not really sad, but I'm trying to play on your sympathies for being gone so long.

Being a big player on the scene, today I was given the unsolicited opportunity to look at the Lamborghini bicycles website. With a name like Lamborghini you know it's going to kick ass! Here are some highlights...


Not bad from a distance right? But there are hints of a butter face...


No Chris King? This is a Lambo right?


In the words of Butthead, "uhhh, wait a minute..."


Aaaagh! A clear plastic chainguard, are those rivets in the chainrings? This is worse than accidentally seeing my overweight cousin naked!

Clearly with a name like Lamborghini these pictures had to be a mistake. I mean I remember the Countach, sure it leaked gas and was pretty square, but it was pure sex. Surely the Lamborghini name wouldn't be defiled by a bike whose normal retail is $349 but if you buy now you get a free helmet, $100 off, and free shipping. That's practically giving away this surely Chinese made machine which bears the same name as the Italian car manufacturer.

Needing to know more I went straight to the website!

With features like a lightweight aluminum frame, an advanced Shimano drive train, and efficient 700cc wheels, the Lamborghini Rapido is certain to remain a favorite weapon for novice cyclists looking to speed past the competition. The featured 21-speed Shimano drive train was designed with shifting efficiency and durability in mind. For added ease of control, the bicycle's twist grip shifters are mounted just to the inside of the traditional brake levers. Due to the close proximity of the brake levers and shifters, riders have quick access to braking and shifting without moving their hands too far—an ideal feature for added safety and convenience. To help tackle those steep hills, the Rapido comes complete with a triple front crank set, a feature that gives the rider seven incredibly low gears. For increased rider comfort, the bicycle comes complete with a soft cork wrapped handlebar, a comfy custom designed Lamborghini saddle, and an adjustable quill stem—a feature that allows you to lower and raise the stem height according to the rider's needs.


"Advanced Shimano drivetrain" - The very advanced Shimano Tourney drivetrain to be exact, only a dozen levels or so below 105

"Efficient 700c wheels" - obviously part of the 29er hype

"Favorite weapon for novice cyclists looking to speed past the competition" - especially against people who don't even know they are racing!

"Due to the close proximity of the brake levers and shifters, riders have quick access to braking and shifting without moving their hands too far" - oh good, I've been missing that on my current road bike, I knew Lambo engineering would pull through!

"Rapido comes complete with a triple front crank set, a feature that gives the rider seven incredibly low gears" - uhhh, wait a minute... That's like saying the "Countach comes with a 4-cylinder engine, a feature that gives the great gas mileage"

"adjustable quill stem—a feature that allows you to lower and raise the stem height according to the rider's needs" - oh good, luckily I'm an average sized rider and the stem is great right where it's at, but this will help my resale value...

You might get a good laugh out of that, but the last laugh will be on you as the reviews are coming in stellar...

Ridiculously Good Deal... 01/20/2009 - by avid but frugal cyclist from Washington, D.C.
I bike 120 miles a week on a Raleigh hybrid. I figured why not give a full road bike a try. $200 bucks isn't a bad price to enter. I was about to buy a Trek or a Giant Road Bike for $600 - I compared the drive trains and features and went with the Lambo. All you need to do to get the Lambo up to better performance is change out the crankset and the front derailleur...then voila...you have a sweet entry level road bike. I keep up with the expensive bikes on the trail...no problem. I've owned the Lambo for 4 weeks after I put it together by myself...no problem. I did rip off the cheesy plastic bits and I painted the fork, headset and seatpost...now it looks expensive..


According to this avid but frugal poster, all you need to get the Lambo up to better performance is a crankset and front derailleur. Once those upgrades are made it definitely becomes a favorite weapon to keep up with expensive bikes on the trail. Of course after the cheesy plastic bits are gone and the fork, headset, and seatpost are painted it looks like an expensive bike, so really how would one know if he's keeping up with expensive bikes on the trail or if they are simply sheep in bull's clothing?

Wow, what's next? Is Trek going to go in on some ugly-assed car?



Lastly, several readers have sent me the picture below and I figure it's only fitting while talking about green health clubs and Lamborghini bicycles. My side coaching organization, LTS Systems, has been working on a power meter prototype, stolen from someone much more clever than me out on the internet. Rather than dropping $1000+ for a power meter to simply find out how average you are, PayPal me $20 and tape this to your bike computer. Apparently someone has been watching mine as I ride...

4 comments:

mellowvelo said...

My jaw was dropped wide open through that whole thing. Maybe they can link up with the GMC Yukon "road" bikes from Wal Mart. No quick release! Need tools to change a flat tire! Work on your arm strength, too!

Anonymous said...

nice bikesnob ripoff on the 'you suck' power meter.

Bike Lemming said...

If bikesnobnyc already posted that power meter I have to apologize. I was actually shooting emails back and forth with him today trying to fix the preview only in his feed, I haven't read a post since it went to preview only, "the man" has too watchful of an eye for me to go to sites to read blogs.

Mellowvelo, there are GMC Yukon road bikes at WalMart?

Anonymous said...

The Lamborghini car company was created by Ferruccio Lamborghini and he sold his share in the company in the 70's. His (apparently mentally retarded) son is a "designer" and is responsible for that road bike. Amazing how far you can go on name alone.