Friday, October 2, 2009

All this time I thought Lance trained his ass off

This morning the lemming opened his email to this tasty morsel. Rodale, the same company which bring us Bicycling, sent me the secrets to Lance's success.

Dear Online Reader,

Have you ever dreamed of riding in the Tour de France? Of zipping along flats and climbing alpine roads with Lance Armstrong at your side?

You know I have Rodale. Zipping along flats and climbing alpine roads with Lance Armstrong would be almost nearly as good as spending Valentine's Day with Chris Carmichael, but wait...

Well now, you can put all of Lance's knowledge, skill, experience, and talent at your fingertips as he teams up with his coach, Chris Carmichael, the U.S. Olympic Committee 1999 Coach of the Year, to offer the ultimate insider's guide to becoming a better rider, based on the same ultra-effective training regimen that Chris and Lance have been fine-tuning since the early 1990s.


This is the program that led to Lance's astounding victory in the 1999 Tour de France—one of the most dramatic comebacks in sports history! And whether you dream of competing in the Tour de France or simply completing your own challenge-ride century, The Lance Armstrong Performance Program is the sure-fire way to...

While I am happy that 7 weeks of Lance-specific training is going to to allow me to win 7 Tours, retire, come back and podium in the Tour again after a bunch of time off dating an Olsen twin and a bunch of other celebrity hotties, as well as go on to crush a retired icon in the Leadville 100, the lemming thinks less of Lance now. Apparently a 7-week program is all Lance used to get ready for his 1999 Tour victory and I just thought he was a much harder worker than that. It makes getting second in his first Leadville 100 seem so less heroic now, he had already done the 7-week training program which won him the 1999 Tour.

Back to all about me. Luckily, for my benefit again, whether I want to compete in the Tour de France or complete a century, this program is going to do it for me. I knew I had to read more, so I followed the email link to here.

Crafted by Lance's coach Chris Carmichael, and refined by Lance and Chris during their years of work together, The Lance Armstrong Performance Program will give you everything you need to achieve your personal best in only 7 weeks, including:

• How to find the right bike for your body
• When to brake (only as a last resort!)
• The tricks to cornering, climbing, and descending like a pro
• Expert techniques to develop your explosive power to sprint
• The best ways to incorporate cross-training into your schedule
• Tips for building necessary mental toughness
• … and much more!

Surely finding the right bike for my body will include lots of wind tunnel testing, the lemming remembers seeing Lance in the wind tunnel often. It's comforting knowing Chris helped Lance pick out the right bike, I just hope it doesn't take more than a day or two because you know, we've only got 7 weeks here. If cross-training means dating Olsen twins then I really do need to figure out how to work that in to my schedule, although that didn't happen in the 7-week 1999 training plan.

The lemming didn't give Chris Carmichael enough credit either, teaching Lance how to brake (as a last resort), how to corner, how to climb, and how to descend like a pro in only 7 weeks must have been mind-boggling. I can just see the conversation now.

Chris: "No no Lance, you need to descend like a pro. That means only braking as a last resort on this hill. See only pull this lever as a last resort."

Lance: "I know Chris, but I just get so scared. I'm used to descending like a Cat 5, this new Pro stuff is foreign to me, I did start out in triathlons you know."

Chris: "Lance, I told you never to mention you were a triathlete again."

Lance: "Ok ok, but you know triathlon bikes have those goofy bullhorns and the brakes are there and..."

Chris: "Damn it Lance (slapping him), just listen to me, we've only got 7 weeks here. I know that triathlon bikes have those goofy bullhorns, that's not the point. Only brake as a last resort, you need to descend like a pro."


Cyclin' Missy said...


Rantwick said...

I'm wondering how many times their two names are mentioned in that ad copy...

I'm gonna take and apply that 7 week program as I ride through the snow and slush all winter. Then we'll see, oh yes we will.

Richard said...

... and it will only cost you one nut.