Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Overcoming your inner triathlete demon

Overcoming your inner triathlete demon 101
Professor Lemming

Good morning class, I'm Professor Lemming. Long before I wrote my e-book "How to ride better by actually getting out on your bike" I used to teach classes to triathletes on overcoming their inner demons and feeling comfortable about themselves. Triathletes have a tough skin because they have to put up with a lot, people make fun of them for their bike handling skills, they don't get to ride their bikes for fun, they have to wear silly clothes, and worst of all, they have to hang out with other triathletes. But none of this should get you down.

Today while reading a Friends of the Lemming blog, the Everyday Athlete, I ran across a post which may just belong to a former student. The name isn't one I recognize, and it's not on my old rosters, but the textbook precision that Joe Tysoe aka JTT uses to pick apart Ms. Swift's self-deprecation of her own bike-handling skills in her "About Me" section brought tears to my eyes. Class, I want you to learn, and I want you to have the power of JTT, so we're going to analyze his conquering of the demons for the benefit of you all. Please have a tissue handy in case you are as moved as I was.

JTT wrote:
"In her recent column to The Oregonian she mentions not being able to keep up with other women ascending Thurman on her mountain bike clad with spiked tires..

Hey Heidi, it's not your "triathlete-grade bike handling skills" that held you back, it's your lack of fitness."

Photo of JTT courtesy of Blogger

Good good, class did you get this? There are several lessons to be learned here, first is that it's not about the bike. Type of bike should make no difference whatsoever, whether it's a nice shiny Quintana Roo, a jet-inspired Trek Y-Foil, or an old rusty Stumpjumper, it shouldn't slow you down in a triathlon. The bigger lesson is the nice insult though. The lack of fitness comment is the gold standard of insults, it's like saying that my dad can beat up your dad, and it infers that the fitness of triathletes is on a whole different level. Awesome! The only thing I may critique JTT on is the lack of using her last name "Swift" in a play on words. Calling her "non-Swift" would have been the coup de grâce.

JTT wrote:
"I wonder if Heidi happened to watched the Beijing Games and catch the Triathlon, the course was technical; meaning it had plenty of turns, climbing and descending.

But I'll cut her a little slack, perhaps she only watches IMH on NBC each October and assumes the bike portion of a Tri is a straight line drag race (albeit a long one) from point A to point B..

Maybe she could watch Escape from Alcatraz on television.. very, very technical course that puts 2000+ athletes on narrow, twisting, turning, and varied surface course with a ton of descending and climbing..?"
No no no JTT! The first rule in class is that you NEVER talk about triathlon club. Triathlon club is like Fight club only way less cooler. Actually, it's not like fight club at all. I'm beginning to think this may not be one of my old students after all. Remember what we taught in class, no one outside of triathlon cares about triathlon. The only people besides triathletes who may have any idea what JTT is talking about, or may have watched the program, are the prisoners down at Guantanamo Bay.

Class, we have to give JTT a few points here though. He did violate the first rule of Triathlon club, but he also did try to use association by proximation. Basically indicating that since pros can do something, any triathlete can do something. We can relate this to anyone that has watched the Bourne Identity, you know that Matt Damon can't possibly kick that much ass, but you know he has to be able to kick a moderate amount of ass just from having made the movie.

JTT wrote:
"Or maybe she could try that?

Nah.. Too tough for her.."
Boo-yah! Take that Ms. non-Swift! You don't have the ovaries to suffer through a race that you have absolutely no interest in! Beautiful JTT! Textbook precision once again! Sorry class, got a little caught up in the moment there. JTT challenging Ms. Swift to a big triathlon is like a junior college football team challenging a team of triathletes to a 4-quarter scrimmage. If they don't take the challenge, they look inferior and must bow down to the skills of the junior college football team. If they do take the challenge, well, it will be a brutal slaying that will only prove that junior college football players play football better than a team of triathletes. But that is to the letter a perfect way to overcome your inner triathlete demon, play to her insecurities and get her out there doing something she isn't comfortable doing. She'll look stupid and not have any fun, and that will show her just what great bike handling skills triathletes have! Ms. Swift, you've been pwned and the JTT-Train has just left the building!


Anonymous said...

The tri-girl in me wants to yell, "Thats right." But since I fell off my bike yesterday, I think I'll just go sit quietly in the corner.

Joe Tysoe said...

Professor Lemming/Miyagi,

Everything I know I learned from you..

Thanks for fixing my BMX bike after Johnny and his gang of karate hoodlums chased me into the ditch back in the day..

Plus, the crane kick.

Yes, I've finally figured out a way to use the crane kick vis a vis blog posting and the post you referenced was the result.


p.s. more pornographic photos of me in those inappropriate green tri shorts can be found on the blog by clicking "pics".

BikeLemming said...

Joe, I knew it was you! One of my best students. Keep on ridin'!

Nick said...

A wise man once said to me

Triathalons are like the special olympics, everyone gets a medal and a hug.

Deniel Hopkins said...

very interesting and informative reading... you seem to be looked upon by many...keep up good guy!