Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The apocalypse is nigh

Anyone who has been to church anytime in the last 2000 years knows that the signs of the apocalypse are upon us. Earthquakes, famine, disease, war, all signs of the upcoming apocalypse. We are closer now than we were 100 years ago, closer than 10 minutes ago, even closer than when you started reading this! For those needing more proof, watch this disturbing video!

As I read BikeSnobNYC's post yesterday I became deeply afraid that the apocalypse was upon us. Not just the fixed gear apocalypse that he speaks of, but the full blown apocalypse. Fearing the end of times, I turned to the first Google reference of the Bible that I could find and was alarmed to find this:

"I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest"
This can be no other than Bart Kaufman's world's greatest Madone that the BikeSnob has uncovered! It's white, the crown is an obvious reference to Bart's helmet, the race number reminds me of a bow upon the head of a cute poodle, and this bike is bent on conquest...

Frantically, I searched BikeSnob's post for any hope for civilization, but my eyes darted back to this entry as a moth drawn to the flame:

I looked, and there before me was a black horse! Its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand. {6} Then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four living creatures, saying, "A quart of wheat for a day's wages, and three quarts of barley for a day's wages, and do not damage the oil and the wine!"
I nervously looked to BikeSnob's post and saw the Lone Wolf as BikeSnob described it. Clearly the reference towards a scale in each hand was for the scaly handlebar grips, anyone can see that. A quart of wheat, three quarts of barley, is that six bottles I see? Six bottle equals nearly 4 quarts! There is no mistaking it! And clearly that wheel cover, while serving no aerodynamic effect, is to keep the bearing oil from becoming damaged! The prophesies are being fulfilled.

Thankfully even if it is upon us, I see no signs of the fourth seal being opened:

I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill...
But wait, what is this?

I can only guess that this pale, plastic wrap covered death uses it's incredible aerodynamic advantage to overcome other riders with brute speed before suffocating them in a horrific plastic bag wrapped death. The only thing to warn the sad victims of ensuing death is an eerie plastic bag flapping sound as they are run down, initiating their early apocalypse.


Nick said...

welcome the man who brings 6.

6 bottles of beer, 6 bottles of wine, 6 full water bottles ready for a ride.


Stevil said...

I change my underwear twice a day just in case.

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