Saturday, April 11, 2009

Zack Colman needs to stay in slow lane

Zack Colman



I must apologize for the terrible writing style of this particular blog entry. I attempted to keep it as intact as possible from the original on the State News here, with the exception of actually creating paragraph structure, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didn't make paragraph structure. For someone such as Zack Colman who is aspiring to be a journalist since age 10, the writing is indeed painful. That said, enjoy...

Black turbocharged GTO. That's the car I drive -- and if you're Zack Colman on the road, but not in the slow lane, I hope you're wearing your seatbelt, because I will blow right past you. Maybe not intentionally. But you see, with all these things I can do in my car nowadays, such as go over 65mph, turn on my seat warmers because it's cold outside and my car actually has them, I might not notice you. And, considering you are where you should not be, I might blow right past you.

The simple fact of the matter is, the DOT has so kindly provided the slow lane for people who want to go slow and others whose car just can't make it up to the speed limt, and the law should be revised to require Zack Colman to be there too. The DOT has outlined slow lanes on certain roads, but Zack Colman can’t just create an imaginary fast car to use the left lanes like he does. I cannot drive fast in the slow lane, so why must you drive that Saturn SC2 where I drive?

Many of my friends have cars that are slow, so I’m not trying to berate a whole demographic of drivers. I appreciate drivers who advocate purchasing the lower model cars, since they are paying for the research and development put in to my car. I respect Zack Colman who uses a Saturn SC2 as a form of transportation, since people certainly are spending way too much on their commuter cars. But for as much as I respect and appreciate Zack Colman, I will not hesitate to flash my headlights when he is interfering with the other lanes. My concern is not merely about inconvenience.

Zack Colman and Saturn SC2s on the road are a driving hazard to people in who can get their cars over 65mph, since many Saturn drivers make turns without using their turn signals and drive too close to other vehicles when there is no designated slow lane. For example, I was driving to work Tuesday when a Saturn SC2 pulled up in front of my car in the left lane on I-405 going northbound where it intersects with Pottawotamie Boulevard. There is no slow lane at this portion of the road, and I needed to be in the left lane to avoid all of the other slow cars, but the Saturn SC2 was in the way. Instead, I had to speed ahead and veer away from the fast-approaching rear end of the car in front of me, just barely making it into the left lane.

Some will say I could be more patient on the road. But roads are for real cars, not Saturn SC2s. The Saturn SC2 should not have been in the fast lane.

It’s possible Zack Colman is trying to live out his dream of being Matt Kenseth, and the open road offered by the left lane where fast, Saturn SC2-eating cars are designed to travel on are more desirable than the right lane where everyone merges on to the highway. I get it, Zack Colman — you’re in the Daytona 500. Well, in your head at least.

But in reality, my turbocharged, dual exhaust car is trying to get around you, Zack Colman the Saturn SC2 driver. And you, Zack Colman the Saturn SC2 driver, prefer to drive, not along the right lane of the road but in the exact middle. Maybe in your head you are actually driving a real car. Maybe that’s why you believe you should be behind a pickup truck and in front of 15 other cars trying to pass you. And maybe you are Kenseth, so talented and in focus and able to drive so, so fast. But Kenseth wouldn't be caught dead in a Saturn and his average speed in the 2009 Daytona 500 was 132.816 mph, which is almost exactly double the terminal velocity of a Saturn SC2.

Plus, I’ve had difficulty finding drivers who actually obey the speed limit anyway. It’s common for motorists to drive at least 5 mph above the speed limit, which makes your task to push your Saturn SC2 to the limits all the more daunting. And considering you’re not actually Kenseth (even if you do have a #17 window sticker and muffler the size of a coffee can on your car), you likely are not going 65 mph.

And, oh yeah, Kenseth is competing when he is driving — your leisurely drive down the highway might not even register on a police radar. But, hey, snap out of it. You’re not Matt Kenseth. And those are the headlights of my black turbocharged GTO bearing down on you.

18 comments:

Philip Williamson said...

nice "putting it all in perspective" post.

mellowvelo said...

I went to journalism school. I hated the writers like him. I also live in Texas. I HATE the drivers like him.

He should know that, in most places, it's illegal to ride one's bicycle on the sidewalk. But I guess he doesn't care, like the guy who threw the Gatorade bottle at my head. I guess the empty lane to his left wasn't enough room for him to comfortably pass me. I guess it was that hard to go around me for all of 2-3 seconds.

Zack must have some really important places to get to, and he must always be late.

Zack recognizes (on his personal Web site) that he's an "opinionated prick." I hope that when he applies for jobs --competing with me, no less -- that the employers notice that prick comment, too.

Kyle said...

Funny post. I bet Zack is starting to regret that he repeatedly detailed the make and model of the car he drives. The good thing about all this is that he will have to be extra careful when driving around cyclists now, because if he ever were to hit one after printing this then he'd be sentenced to castration for sure.

BikeLemming said...

Sister mellowvelo, believe me, if you and Zack were ever applying for the same job your writing style would shine clearly as superior.

Kyle, true, after he puts something like this online the police will have his number if he ever hits a cyclist.

jeff said...

Oh my god! Zack SHOULD stay in the slow lane. I can't believe he drives anything at all. How did he pass the test to get a license?

Bob said...

I am in the process of getting the MSU staff to address the roadrage/death threat in Zack Colman's original article. Searching for data brought me to this site; I must say, I will be back. Pretty well written stuff.
-Marcus Griffith
Marcus.Griffith@gmail.com

sleepypasture said...

I enjoyed your creative response to Zack Colman's offensive and upsetting article! I'm flabbergasted that MSU keeps ignoring the public outcry over this and seems ambivalent by the negative press that both the author and the school are receiving. I truly hope this article of his lives online forever to haunt him every time a prospective employer Googles his sorry self.

samh said...

An excellent response to such a failure of an article.

ultraviolet16 said...

Well what's funny is that we know what he looks like, his name, and what his car looks like. I bet this guy is already receiving a numerous amount of death threats, while his parents are scrambling to buy him a new car. I bet his tires have already been slashed in fact. I mean, how easy is it to slash tires, and with the pandemic hate of this prick, I would be SURPRISED if his tires have not yet been slashed. Personally if I were this guy I would shave my head, never wear that lame I heart detroit shirt and burn my car. I bet cyclists all over MSU are giving this guy a hard time. LOL

You know I'm not willing to go to jail to do something crazy to him, but you know what? I betcha someone up in MSU is crazy enough to, that's for sure!

Anonymous said...

Write the Michigan Secretary of State (the Michigan equivalent of DMV in other states), and ask her to revoke Zack Colman's driver's license:
http://www.michigan.gov/sos/0,1607,7-127-13162-25634--,00.html

He shouldn't be driving if:
1) He doesn't know Michigan traffic law;
2) He habitually drives while distracted
3) He has expressed a desire to assault other people with his vehicle.

Kyle said...

We flew down to Michigan and administered a little street justice to Zack Colman. Check it out...

http://www.wendmag.com/blog/2009/04/14/zack-colman-street-justice/

BikeLemming said...

Nice work Kyle!

sleepypasture said...

Another writer at the State News tells a *ahem* different side of the story!

http://www.statenews.com/index.php/article/2009/04/bicyclists_need_to_stay_on_the_road#comment38040

BikeLemming said...

As I read the comments on the state news, it reminds me of this blog entry...

http://bikelemming.blogspot.com/2009/03/life-liberty-and-taxes.html

Tom McLaughlin said...

I'm sure you cringed a bit while writing this. Nice job, though.

Anonymous said...

I heard Zack Colman rapes and murders babies as well

Anonymous said...

I would run over your elitest asses too.

Bike Lemming said...

Ha ha, I think the triclycerides have blocked the blood to your brain.